السبت، 9 أغسطس، 2008

COMFORTABLY NUMB

Comfortably NUMB


The sky is falling the sky is falling ..
Here she came out again .. Out of my head .. Without any permission .. and she took her favorite seat ..beside me in the car

As I was driving home several nights ago .. I was scanning a certain incidence in my mind that happened at work .. and instead of .. taking the perfect response .. I kept my calmness and I only nodded and gave a cold smile ..

Shhhhhh
I shhhed her .. I usually do so ..
But she continued .. she is out of my mind .. (my other dear self ) and in the passenger seat now she was determined to speak out .and no one can stop here (. wont you ever .. stop concealing the truth and fake a smile everything was ok

I pulled over ..
Would you please just vanish now and I promise ill think what you say over .. just your presence irritates me .. and no way ill talk to myself in the car .. ok ..

Gladly she did .. but I know this time it won't be for long .. she will stick herself again out of my head and start to talk ..

Oooooffffff.. ok ok .. you all tell me now the same ..I know how this never ending conversation will go to .. you all advising and preaching and I am stubborn as usual

But when I went through the whole situation again in one of my sleepless nights . I found out that I was really lost in the process of pretending all is well and good. and along the way I lost the appetite for life, they say this is called compartmentalization . meaning separating parts of the self from awareness of other parts . well it went so far so good for me .. until this nosy creature came out of my head again
Wikipedia stated that .. compartmentalization is the act of splitting an idea or an act and enforce thought process not to mix these parts again .. in order to simplify things
See , I had a good aim .. simplicity ,, why can't life be just simple ..


But the price of my simplifying things was that In many occasions I caught myself thinking hard how I used to feel about a certain matter I had to take a reaction to .. what would be the perfect thing to do , at other times when I don't remember how I used to act I gave the usual diplomatic smile

I realized I became so comfortably numb
God I need an earthquake to shake my cores now and get the hidden feelings out
I always feel I figured things out and that every thing was under control when all I did was sailing in the fake steady lake I made for myself
I always managed to put a thick sheet over the real self and gag the girl that stick her head out of mind and visit me every now and then .. in similar infuriating situations

I kept burning my fuel up and even more energy was needed to keep the mind charade going on successfully , so my outer image would be the happy successful and hilariously funny ..ME

I once talked to a fellow friend about masks people have to wear .. he told me he became so familiar with the fake mood that he doesn’t recognize it anymore

Ohhh, this brings me to square one again , COMFARTBLY NUMB

So my dear friends I am writing now to declare it out and loud ,
The volcano erupted
And lava are flying in the air
I am angry .. angry .. angry
Here I said it .. at last
I confessed

Still angry
Ever angry
At ME
And now I am ready to take my ship to the real sea and fight the tides and my sail facing the winds
And let's see where my ship goes ..

I hope you enjoy the whole journey of a CAT testing the waters
MIAO